Remember since March 2011 my:
- mentor and dear friend died of cancer
- husband was diagnosed 4 days later with cancer
- back inflames at L5, S1, S2
- mother-in-law suffered a TIA (transient ischemic attack) mini stroke
- husband endured 36 radiation treatments
- father had a stroke and died 7 days later
- dysfunctional family was around me in the hospital for those 7 days
- mind's closet was stirred up beyond return - flashbacks started
- grief takes over depression sets in
- talk therapy begins
- meds are Lyrica, Tylenol 3 and Cipralex
- mother-in-law breaks her leg now all her children are fighting
- appointment with neurosurgeon after 4 months of waiting is "I can't help you"
- meds now include Hydromorph Contin
- pharmacist overdoses me when a dispensing error occurs - hospitalized
- son goes back to school riding the school bus for the first time
- spot on the adult sexual abuse counselling waiting list gets another 10 day delay
My T is the one for me. I don't want our relationship to ever end. She helped me do the intake call to the organization that assists individuals with sexual abuse at that time I was put on the list. I know that once I start those sessions specifically about the CSA that gradually my T will transition out of the picture. I don't want her to let me go. So every time that they don't call or we play telephone tag inside I am pleased. I've been waiting since July and as time goes by I am healing and sealing up the dirty secret back to the back of my mind's closet. I like it there, forgotten. Yes, I lie to myself. I did so well at keeping the thoughts suppressed.
Talk therapy what good comes from it? What is the theory or logic behind this method - we need to talk to heal? Why? Why is telling a trained professional, but a stranger at the same time, the dark and sick details of my sexual abuse possibly going to help fix me?
I have difficulty with the organizations first question "What are your goals?" I have no idea. I know what my goal isn't.
- I will never forgive.
- I can't change the past.
- I won't find strength in my faith.
- I will never tell my husband or anyone that knows me.
- I know the abuse wasn't my fault.
My T is a very good listener. I rant, she's making her grocery list in her head. It's a difficult job listening to people and remember each week whose story goes with who. Sometimes I say to her, "I told you that last time". She furrows her brow. I wonder if my life is boring to her or classic or are clients like waiting for the next episode of a TV series that you follow?
Her style is humanistic, some cognitive behaviour therapy and talk. She doesn't say very much. She's challenged me not much. I've failed all of my homework assignments.
- write a letter to my dad to say good bye
- journal my feelings to get them out
- write a letter to my mother
- write a letter to my brother
- plan some fun overnight with just my husband
- read Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
My goals are:
- to be a better mother, wife and grandmother
- to be kinder and more patient
- to be consistent with my boundaries regarding my time and the people I chose to share it with
- to manage my physical pain
- to achieve positive behaviours and leave depression far behind me
- to have some fun