September 30, 2011

Talk Therapy has No Place in The Workplace

It's Friday - that special day of the week that everyone (except shift-workers) looks forward to.  I suppose retired people don't get too excited either.  I've missed that euphoric feeling while being home on short-term sickness since April.  I'm going back to work on Monday after five months for 3 hours a day to start.  I'm having anxiety about it for sure.  If you've never been off work due to injury or illness perhaps you have for maternity or parental leave, for a sabbatical or remember how you felt being off school in the summers and come the night before school's first day you can't sleep because you've been away from it for awhile.  Feelings of worry.  Will people judge me for being off?  Do some thing I am faking so I could have the summer off?  We call that Doctor Summer-off in my workplace.  Will some ignore or avoid me?  Will some pry until my head pops right off?  I'm not looking forward to the "How are you?" question over and over.  Yes, some people honestly do care, but most just want the gossip.

Remember since March 2011 my:
  • mentor and dear friend died of cancer
  • husband was diagnosed 4 days later with cancer
  • back inflames at L5, S1, S2
  • mother-in-law suffered a TIA (transient ischemic attack) mini stroke
  • husband endured 36 radiation treatments
  • father had a stroke and died 7 days later
  • dysfunctional family was around me in the hospital for those 7 days
  • mind's closet was stirred up beyond return - flashbacks started
  • grief takes over depression sets in
  • talk therapy begins
  • meds are Lyrica, Tylenol 3 and Cipralex
  • mother-in-law breaks her leg now all her children are fighting
  • appointment with neurosurgeon after 4 months of waiting is "I can't help you"
  • meds now include Hydromorph Contin
  • pharmacist overdoses me when a dispensing error occurs - hospitalized
  • son goes back to school riding the school bus for the first time
  • spot on the adult sexual abuse counselling waiting list gets another 10 day delay
I have never had any drama in  my life.  Then wham all this above happens to me all in just a matter of three months.  I know I had a nervous breakdown.  Ashamed to admit it because no one would ever in a million years think that I would not be able to handle all of everything. 

My tough exterior, move on attitude, suck it up princess has done me wonders over the past 35 years.  Then I arrive at my therapy session and I can finally be myself.  It just sucks the life right out of me acting all the time like I am normal and confident.  Finally, able to breath when I see my T's face and my small, red tub chair waiting for me.  The facial tissue to my left - will I need them today?  We shall see. 

My T is the one for me.  I don't want our relationship to ever end.  She helped me do the intake call to the organization that assists individuals with sexual abuse at that time I was put on the list.  I know that once I start those sessions specifically about the CSA that gradually my T will transition out of the picture.  I don't want her to let me go.  So every time that they don't call or we play telephone tag inside I am pleased.  I've been waiting since July and as time goes by I am healing and sealing up the dirty secret back to the back of my mind's closet.  I like it there, forgotten.  Yes, I lie to myself.  I did so well at keeping the thoughts suppressed. 

Talk therapy what good comes from it?  What is the theory or logic behind this method -  we need to talk to heal?  Why?  Why is telling a trained professional, but a stranger at the same time, the dark and sick details of my sexual abuse possibly going to help fix me?

I have difficulty with the organizations first question "What are your goals?"  I have no idea.  I know what my goal isn't. 
  • I will never forgive.
  • I can't change the past.
  • I won't find strength in my faith.
  • I will never tell my husband or anyone that knows me.
  • I know the abuse wasn't my fault.
What good can come from the gory details?

My T is a very good listener.  I rant, she's making her grocery list in her head.  It's a difficult job listening to people and remember each week whose story goes with who.  Sometimes I say to her, "I told you that last time".  She furrows her brow.  I wonder if my life is boring to her or classic or are clients like waiting for the next episode of a TV series that you follow?

Her style is humanistic, some cognitive behaviour therapy and talk.  She doesn't say very much.  She's challenged me not much.  I've failed all of my homework assignments.
  1. write a letter to my dad to say good bye
  2. journal my feelings to get them out
  3. write a letter to my mother
  4. write a letter to my brother
  5. plan some fun overnight with just my husband
  6. read Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
I am blogging so I think I pass number two!  Also, I've read the chapters that interested me in number six.  My sessions are moving to every two weeks now. 

My goals are:
  1. to be a better mother, wife and grandmother
  2. to be kinder and more patient
  3. to be consistent with my boundaries regarding my time and the people I chose to share it with
  4. to manage my physical pain
  5. to achieve positive behaviours and leave depression far behind me
  6. to have some fun
If I know one thing for sure, it is that I do not want to practice 'Talk Therapy' in my cubicle life.


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The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet

The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet
Blogging = cleaning = healing.