September 19, 2011

Marriage - The Three C's

Marriage.  Some would say you either love it or loathe it.  I say marriage equals the three C's.  Comfort, Convenience and Caring. 

Next month I'll have been married for 17 years.  We are very comfortable with our lifestyle and I don't mean in a monetary type of way.  Simply, that we like where we live, what we are trying to achieve together on a parenting level in that our values and dreams are the same for our son.

I wouldn't trade my marriage to begin again. So I say it is 'convenient' in the way that we can count on each other to be there.

Truly, we both care for one another deeply.  I have no doubts there.

I have not told him ever and I never will that I suffered a childhood of incest.  Abuse is not a topic in our lives.  I have kept my wounded and damaged soul buried deep in my mind's closet and likely I would have taken my sexual abuse to my grave until this summer.  Memories awakened in just a matter of hours as we stood around my dying father.

Why I won't share everything about myself with my partner.  I don't know.   I trust him completely.  I know he won't judge me.  My therapist says it's shame.  SHAME.  I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.  A mere child.  Children are innocent.  I wasn't.  Innocence was dissolved as quickly as crushing a bug on the sidewalk.  GUILT.  I don't feel guilty of anything.  Disgusted, mortified, unprotected, alone, abandoned, worthless - I didn't matter to her.

I know my husband deserves so much more.  Barely conversing, touching, laughing.  I push him away by hiding myself, escaping any possible stressors.  I was able to achieve normal for so, so long. 
I don't feel comfortable in my own mind, daily life is inconvenient and it is so hard to care.

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The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet

The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet
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