September 19, 2011
Marriage - The Three C's
Marriage. Some would say you either love it or loathe it. I say marriage equals the three C's. Comfort, Convenience and Caring.
Next month I'll have been married for 17 years. We are very comfortable with our lifestyle and I don't mean in a monetary type of way. Simply, that we like where we live, what we are trying to achieve together on a parenting level in that our values and dreams are the same for our son.
I wouldn't trade my marriage to begin again. So I say it is 'convenient' in the way that we can count on each other to be there.
Truly, we both care for one another deeply. I have no doubts there.
I have not told him ever and I never will that I suffered a childhood of incest. Abuse is not a topic in our lives. I have kept my wounded and damaged soul buried deep in my mind's closet and likely I would have taken my sexual abuse to my grave until this summer. Memories awakened in just a matter of hours as we stood around my dying father.
Why I won't share everything about myself with my partner. I don't know. I trust him completely. I know he won't judge me. My therapist says it's shame. SHAME. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. A mere child. Children are innocent. I wasn't. Innocence was dissolved as quickly as crushing a bug on the sidewalk. GUILT. I don't feel guilty of anything. Disgusted, mortified, unprotected, alone, abandoned, worthless - I didn't matter to her.
I know my husband deserves so much more. Barely conversing, touching, laughing. I push him away by hiding myself, escaping any possible stressors. I was able to achieve normal for so, so long.
I don't feel comfortable in my own mind, daily life is inconvenient and it is so hard to care.
Posted by Editor at 3:29 PM