April 30, 2013

Second Back Surgery

On February 8th, 2013, I underwent my second back surgery.  I had to travel 1.5 hours West because there are no neurosurgeons in my city of 56,000.  My surgery was scheduled for 7:30 a.m.  There were no delays.  The next thing I knew was I was waking up in the recovery room with about eight other patients.  These new blow-in hot air blanket gadgets they have now are wonderful.  I was nice and warm, but that was about all that was nice.  I have never experienced so much pain in all my life.  I have had a vaginal home birth with no drugs and that was a 5 compared to this ordeal.

I was given pain medication that had no purpose as it did not help.  I have had a similar surgery to this and this felt in no way similar!

Recovery was difficult.  The meds make me feel sick.  Eating a chore.  BMs a nightmare.  I felt like a brick was left in my back, never mind a scaple.  Gradually, I healed, but the numbness in my thigh, calf and foot remain the same. 

I am thankful I can do most things: walk, climb stairs, stand.  My limitations are basically lifting, bending and sitting and standing too long.


April 22, 2013

I'm A Cat

Read that title and people will think, "Say what?"  It's true.  It won't be long before I actually grow whiskers!  I basically lie in bed 24/7.  Get my nutrient requirements for the day.  Occasionally perk-up to noise or menial tasks, like showering and relieving myself. 

For anyone who has never experienced chronic, long-term pain, depression, mental stress, self-loathing, anxiety and lack of human connection than you just won't understand.  The thing is, I think there are few human beings on this earth who have never struggled with such times.  In this case my audience is vast. 

I can't figure out how to change my situation.  I procrastinate.  I have no motivation.  It's cold outside.  I have nothing productive to do. I'm bored.  I'm lonely.  I'm afraid.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm weak.  I'm in pain.  I don't care.  Here's what my therapist hears.

I don't actually say these excuses to her out loud in a session, but I'm thinking them in my head.  Of course, I know the negative thoughts in my head are bullshit, but how do I stopped this thinking?  I do want to, but I've been in this state for some time now and its become a way of life.  A shitty day to day existence. I'm a cat. 

So at my last T with Auds, (that's what I put in my calendar when I have an appointment for therapy) she asked me "What do you like to do"?  I don't know.  She called me out and said "C'mon that's not true."  She was getting on my nerves last session.  I have no idea what to do.  I'm in a situation.  I'm on long-term disability at 43 years-old.  WTF?!  I was already doing what I love and was a superstar at it.  Now, I'm not so sure.  How can someone love being a paper-pusher.   I was organized, fast, creative, innovative, problem-solver, go-gett'er, the person everyone sucked the life out of....hmmmm, yes, a realization, I was USED a lot!  With never any written recognitions put on my personnel file and certainly never any advancement. 
I read the other day the difference between a job and a career is a career has opportunities.  It shocked me to realize I only had a job.  I seriously thought I actually had a career to be proud of.  It wasn't the work I was proud of it was how I was amazing at everything that was put in front of me to accomplish.  When I do something, I do it well.  That's just the way I am.  I have my own personal production standards.  Not perfectionism.  That's a whole 'nother problem, and one I can proudly say I do not have in my repertoire of issues! Smile. 

Ahhhh, so it's passion we're talking about.  Yes, Auds, I get it, but I can't find it!  Here's some things I like doing.
  1. Flower gardening
  2. Reading and Researching
  3. Walking
  4. Camping
  5. Watching TV
  6. Playing Scrabble
  7. Writing
  8. Giving blood
Here's some things I dream about doing. Not like 'big dreams', but 'it'd be cool to do' kind of dreams.  There's a difference.
  1. Become a pharmacist
  2. Become a tattoo artist
  3. Try therapeutic art journalling
  4. Write my memoir
  5. Learn to write so I can be a real writer
  6. Travel and work from place to place
  7. Work with a prevention team specific to incest sexual abuse by a sibling
  8. Become a high school guidance counsellor
  9. Design an App
Rant, rant, rant. 

I live in reality though.  All those annoying quotes on Pinterest like 'be all you can be' 'your dreams are waiting' 'just do it'...well guess what there are real factors that stand in the way.
  1. Money
  2. Time
  3. Location
  4. Support
  5. Age
  6. Opportunity
Life is not doing what you love.  It's doing anything that you can actually achieve in the situation that you're in and it allows you to live and not just exist.  Take the pressure off and stop feeling like a failure.
If you happen to be passionate and love what you're doing, you are so very lucky.  I compare it to finding a red diamond.


The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet

The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet
Blogging = cleaning = healing.