September 30, 2011

Talk Therapy has No Place in The Workplace

It's Friday - that special day of the week that everyone (except shift-workers) looks forward to.  I suppose retired people don't get too excited either.  I've missed that euphoric feeling while being home on short-term sickness since April.  I'm going back to work on Monday after five months for 3 hours a day to start.  I'm having anxiety about it for sure.  If you've never been off work due to injury or illness perhaps you have for maternity or parental leave, for a sabbatical or remember how you felt being off school in the summers and come the night before school's first day you can't sleep because you've been away from it for awhile.  Feelings of worry.  Will people judge me for being off?  Do some thing I am faking so I could have the summer off?  We call that Doctor Summer-off in my workplace.  Will some ignore or avoid me?  Will some pry until my head pops right off?  I'm not looking forward to the "How are you?" question over and over.  Yes, some people honestly do care, but most just want the gossip.

Remember since March 2011 my:
  • mentor and dear friend died of cancer
  • husband was diagnosed 4 days later with cancer
  • back inflames at L5, S1, S2
  • mother-in-law suffered a TIA (transient ischemic attack) mini stroke
  • husband endured 36 radiation treatments
  • father had a stroke and died 7 days later
  • dysfunctional family was around me in the hospital for those 7 days
  • mind's closet was stirred up beyond return - flashbacks started
  • grief takes over depression sets in
  • talk therapy begins
  • meds are Lyrica, Tylenol 3 and Cipralex
  • mother-in-law breaks her leg now all her children are fighting
  • appointment with neurosurgeon after 4 months of waiting is "I can't help you"
  • meds now include Hydromorph Contin
  • pharmacist overdoses me when a dispensing error occurs - hospitalized
  • son goes back to school riding the school bus for the first time
  • spot on the adult sexual abuse counselling waiting list gets another 10 day delay
I have never had any drama in  my life.  Then wham all this above happens to me all in just a matter of three months.  I know I had a nervous breakdown.  Ashamed to admit it because no one would ever in a million years think that I would not be able to handle all of everything. 

My tough exterior, move on attitude, suck it up princess has done me wonders over the past 35 years.  Then I arrive at my therapy session and I can finally be myself.  It just sucks the life right out of me acting all the time like I am normal and confident.  Finally, able to breath when I see my T's face and my small, red tub chair waiting for me.  The facial tissue to my left - will I need them today?  We shall see. 

My T is the one for me.  I don't want our relationship to ever end.  She helped me do the intake call to the organization that assists individuals with sexual abuse at that time I was put on the list.  I know that once I start those sessions specifically about the CSA that gradually my T will transition out of the picture.  I don't want her to let me go.  So every time that they don't call or we play telephone tag inside I am pleased.  I've been waiting since July and as time goes by I am healing and sealing up the dirty secret back to the back of my mind's closet.  I like it there, forgotten.  Yes, I lie to myself.  I did so well at keeping the thoughts suppressed. 

Talk therapy what good comes from it?  What is the theory or logic behind this method -  we need to talk to heal?  Why?  Why is telling a trained professional, but a stranger at the same time, the dark and sick details of my sexual abuse possibly going to help fix me?

I have difficulty with the organizations first question "What are your goals?"  I have no idea.  I know what my goal isn't. 
  • I will never forgive.
  • I can't change the past.
  • I won't find strength in my faith.
  • I will never tell my husband or anyone that knows me.
  • I know the abuse wasn't my fault.
What good can come from the gory details?

My T is a very good listener.  I rant, she's making her grocery list in her head.  It's a difficult job listening to people and remember each week whose story goes with who.  Sometimes I say to her, "I told you that last time".  She furrows her brow.  I wonder if my life is boring to her or classic or are clients like waiting for the next episode of a TV series that you follow?

Her style is humanistic, some cognitive behaviour therapy and talk.  She doesn't say very much.  She's challenged me not much.  I've failed all of my homework assignments.
  1. write a letter to my dad to say good bye
  2. journal my feelings to get them out
  3. write a letter to my mother
  4. write a letter to my brother
  5. plan some fun overnight with just my husband
  6. read Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
I am blogging so I think I pass number two!  Also, I've read the chapters that interested me in number six.  My sessions are moving to every two weeks now. 

My goals are:
  1. to be a better mother, wife and grandmother
  2. to be kinder and more patient
  3. to be consistent with my boundaries regarding my time and the people I chose to share it with
  4. to manage my physical pain
  5. to achieve positive behaviours and leave depression far behind me
  6. to have some fun
If I know one thing for sure, it is that I do not want to practice 'Talk Therapy' in my cubicle life.


September 29, 2011

A Simple Magic

I spent my morning with my granddaughter today.  I can't be anything but happy when I am with her.  A beautiful soul is bubbling in her and I can only soak in her magic when we are together.  She is so happy and full of energy.  Laughing and smiling like the two of us are rolling in a meadow of cotton candy.  Pink, of course. 

Grammy she says let's play picnic.  Let's play park.  Let's play fancy restaurant.  At a wee three years-old she rhymes off the ABC's and counts brilliantly.  We munch on crunchy apples and cheese and crackers.  Sitting in our fancy restaurant so we don't choke. 

Her strawberry red hair, so fine and fluttering in her face it keeps interrupting her play as she has to keep pushing it off her eyes.  Let's play hairdresser!  I do her mane into a Grammy mini me and paint her little tiny fingernails while were at the spa.  She wiggles and squiggles.  I'm ever so patient with my darling baby girl.

All the while in the back of my mind's closet some terrible thoughts creep in.  I beg in my mind that no one ever hurts her.  It saddens me to no end to know that sexual abuse still goes on today.  CSA isn't like when women were not permitted to vote, or when black people suffered segregation, or when Jewish people were murder.  There is no power or authority strong enough to put an end to child sexual abuse.

I was able to escape my reality today because of one little girl's simple magic.


September 27, 2011

8 Week Muffins - Recipe Tuesday

These muffins were brought to me by my kind sister-in-law.  She is a personal support worker.  She has been there for me and my husband throughout our health issues. 

When on prescription medications, especially a narcotic painkiller, a side effect for me is digestive issues aka constipation.  These muffins help a lot along with drinking water and I do find Lansoyl assists.

They really are delicious too.
Preheat oven 375 degrees F


In a large bowl mix the following:






Then add ½ quart of buttermilk. To the other half quart of buttermilk add into the carton


Shake the carton and release the top slowly because the baking soda makes the mixture foam up in the carton.  Rinse the carton with a little water. Pour into the batter combine well then add:

2 C OF RAISINS OR DATES (I usually add a little more dates because I like the moist texture).

Mix well.  Let sit in a covered container in fridge for 2 days before baking.  Keeps in fridge for about 8 weeks, but mine don’t usually last that long. If you find that after a couple of weeks the batter is getting too thick add 2 tbsp of milk to the portion you are going to bake.  375 degrees for 15 minutes.

Enjoy and happy trails to the water closet!


September 26, 2011

Parenting Patterns

Being a parent is so exhausting. Is that negative to say? Perhaps. If you're not tired, frustrated, concerned and feeling guilty then you're not doing it right.

What kind of parent will I be? We ask ourselves this and have a mindset of what type we want to be. Patient, loving, helpful, protective, fun. The expectations we set on ourself are tremendous.

I never wanted to be a mother. I can connect that feeling now to my incestuous sexual abuse that I suffered. Afraid, I would be just like my own mother - lousy at the role. Questioning why would I want to bring a person into this horrible world at the risk of them enduring my history.

Life, so unpredictable though dropped in my lap one May day in 1992, an instant family. A girl of 9 and a boy just 6. Eight years I spent mothering these children on Wednesdays and every other weekend. It turned out that I was pretty good at the step-mother role.

When a man comes with children and an ex wife those factors can determine whether you stay for the long haul. I was very fortunate to be given only what I could handle. Wonderful stepchildren. They were excellent practice for me so I could analyze the values of being a mother. Perhaps my bio-clock started to tick at 29, but more so I realized that I would be nothing like my own mother.

I had my hang-ups though. I only wanted a boy. I knew I was having a boy because there was no way I would bring a girl into this world to suffer. Not to say that boys have never been victims of sexual abuse, but I just couldn't bear to bring a little girl into the world. I don't know if there are other survivors that may have felt this same way.

My parenting patterns did develop with my stepchildren, but I can speak to it that parenting your biological child is very different. (Please don't send me nasty comments for saying this).

I'm only speaking to me as a mother of my son. During the infant, toddler and youth years 0 to 8, I had certain parenting patterns.

0 to 2 yrs

  • I didn't put my son down for the first six months. When he slept, he slept in my arms. I ran to his every cry, murmur and gurgle. I never wanted him to feel alone or abandoned. I was calm, patient and loving. No, I am not an advocate of the "Ferber Method".
  • At 7 months I had to return to work. I got a nanny to come to my house. I came home at lunch to nurse and check in.
  • I was always following right behind like a mama bear.
  • When relatives wanted to hold him, I stood right beside them.
  • My husband and I were the only people to change his bottom.
  • We hugged and kissed him so much.

3 to 4 yrs

  • At near 3, I fired my nanny and put my son reluctantly in daycare. When money becomes more important than my child - you're FIRED. I knew it was good for socialization skills and he was potty trained pretty much. I went to the daycare everyday on my lunch hour to check on him, the facility and the workers. I brought a number of issues to the supervisor’s attention.
  • I treat my child like a person and encourage him to voice his opinion. That what he has to say matters.
  • At this age the birthday parties begin. I never left my child at a stranger’s house and I found it odd that I was the only parent that would stay with their child. I guess it is a break for weary parents to drop their child(ren) off for a couple hours freedom to do shopping or whatever. I could only think of the terrible things that could occur. Do only adult childhood sexual abuse survivors think the way I think and feel? Not simply are the parents of the birthday child present, but often these parties kill two birds with one stone where the relatives are included with the friends’ party. More adults, teens, grandparents, uncles, neighbours or birthday child's mom's new boyfriend are present. All the dark corners in basements, closets, backyard sheds would run through my mind. Who would help my child to the washroom if he needed it? I'll tell you who. Me. That's who. I did get some odd looks when I would arrive with my Tim's in hand and remove my shoes at the door. Looks of "oh, you're staying? You’re not going to just dump your kid on us and runaway? That weird, and as many looks of relief. I would just say how can I help, here let me make the hotdogs. Even when parties were held at a public venue like McDonald's I would stay. What if these parents don't ensure the buddy system to the washroom, I would ask myself. A child can be molested or taken from a washroom. I didn't feel paranoid or overprotective. I felt proactive in preventing an incident that I know can damage your world forever. There is nothing more important to me than my child.

5 to 7 yrs

  • Even at this youth age I remained diligent in my parenting patterns. Sleep outs for my son were not permitted at this age. He was welcome to have friends at our house. I encourage friends to our house because that way I feel that my son is completely safe.
  • With my son in school full-time I express concerns and address matters with the teachers and principal immediately. It's important for them to know your face and know that you won't take matters casually. I am my child's advocate.
  • I am anti school bus, again due to my own childhood experiences of being bullied on the bus.
  • We spend a lot of time with our son. I read to him in a pattern every night before bed. His dad has breakfast with him each morning. Structure is key to our parenting patterns.

8 to 9 yrs

  • Patterns are like plans. They begin to change significantly as he ages and we do too. I'm more relaxed now that I know I have equipped my child with how to protect himself. I do let him sleepover at one friend's house now. I still would rather he be at home.
  • I'm not as patient as when he was little. I guess because I have certain expectations of him. To listen, do what I ask of him and be respectful. He doesn't always do what I ask.
  • My husband often says this is my fault that I gave him his right to speak his mind and believe me he does. I'm proud of him though for that. As a child I never said much of anything. I was submissive and lonely.
  • I allow my son at 9 to take a taxi home after school, use his own house key and be home alone for an hour. First rule is he must call me at work as soon as he arrives home. At 9 he was too old for the after school daycare.

10 yrs

  • At this age our son got a paper route, which I encouraged his independence to make his own money and to teach him responsibility. Do we let him do the route alone? No. We spend more on gasoline then he makes. That's not the point though. My parenting pattern of independence and instilling work ethics is.
  • He likes school and has friends. He never reports any bullying to me.
  • Ensuring he is involved in some sort of activity is our parenting pattern for his health and self-esteem. Karate is his niche. We introduced swimming, violin, acting and few others, but in the end it's martial arts. Great for his confidence.

11 yrs present day

  • Parenting patterns change drastically it seems. I permitted him to ride his bike in our neighbourhood with a friend only. I worried the whole time.
  • He began riding the school bus to and from school and so far so good. For me and him.
  • He is a tweener now so he's into technology, but not girls yet. Trust me we've had that conversation.
  • I'm proud of the young lad that he is, so my parenting patterns must be alright.

I do have more anxiety than most parents, I believe due to my personal experiences. My number one goal is to protect my son from harm. It seems so simple, but my mother could never do it for me.

Going through the healing process of sexual abuse and child bullying peer abuse, my current physical back pain, my present depression, which I try to hide from my child, but I know it all, affects my parenting patterns. I must triumph beyond these mind controls. I have teenage parenting patterns in front of me. Thank goodness I have my stepchildren who gave me lots of practice.


September 22, 2011

Mental Health Curve Balls

Changing my medications has thrown me a huge curve ball.  My brain is pounding!  It hurts so bad.  I have to just make it past these next few days and then I should be mellowed out.  Side effects are brutal. Here are a few that I've experienced on:

Cipralex: a antidepressant
  • Sweats, drowsiness, drained of energy, numbness, fog, dizziness
Hydromorph Contin: slow release for chronic pain
  • Headache, nauseous, no appetite, tired
Lyrica:  for nerve pain
  • No  change
I don't feel that the Cipralex is helping with my depression and anxiety.  I've been on 10mg for 7-weeks.  Increased the dosage to 20mg recently.  It's like being on a roller coaster.  It is not a 'happy' pill by no means.  Some days are ok, where I can concentrate and be productive.  Other days and nights are spent sobbing or I hide myself in the Internet for hours on end.

The Hydromorph Contin is helping my constant pain in my back.  Not masking it completely, but it helps me sleep and I am able to function at a daily activity for a longer period of time I've noticed.  Also increased from 3mg to 6mg this week.

I have been on Lyrica since July 2009, when I had my discectomy and laminectomy surgery at L5, S1.  It seemed to help, but I'm feeling like it turned to a placebo after so long.  So I stopped taking it recently.

Therapy drained me on Tuesday as well.  Also, I'm on a waiting list to speak to a sexual abuse speciality counsellor.  I haven't started the detailed conversations as of yet.  The CSA counsellor left me a message today for an appointment date....I didn't return her call.

Can I truly handle this curve?


September 21, 2011

10 Helpful Tips for Newbie Back Pain Suffers

As far back as I can remember I was destined to have a troublesome back.  Ann Landers.  She was an icon for her column in the newspaper.
In 1983, a person wrote in sharing their debilitating back history and here is Ann's response  My mother read the ladies column faithfully and carried out this test on me.  I was just days away from my 13th birthday.

It seemed I did have the one shoulder lower than the other, so from our small rural community we travel to a hospital with a doctor who drew marker dots of blue on the bumps on my spine.  I was instructed to do a number of exercises and if I didn't do them I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 25.

I did the exercises for a time and eventually got lazy and no one was making, so that was that.

I've always had terrible, weak posture.  My line of work doesn't help.  Anyone who is confined to a chair at a desk in front of a computer all day has to understand that it is painful on one's back, neck, arms, hips, eyes, legs and head.

My love affair with the chiropractor began in 1996 and has continued on and off since.   Do adjustments help?  Yes, but for me they are short lived.  I can only afford to go once or twice per week.  Massage helps somewhat, but again only momentarily because I'm right back in that work chair within 12 hours.  Useful spine resource
  1. Sitting puts 300 psi of pressure on your spine as standing is only 17 psi.
  2. Mobility is key. 
  3. Stretching really does help.
  4. Strengthening core muscles really is helpful.
  5. Heating pad feels good.
  6. Medications are useful.
  7. Rest is vital.
  8. Regular bowel movements are crucial to back pain suffers.
  9. Patience.
  10. Chronic pain is very real.
I'm not in a wheelchair and my spines curvature is very slight; not categorically scoliosis.  Simply, in my early twenties my body began to hurt.  Little more in my thirties.  Wham!  Forty.  The word is that 40 is the new 30 - malarkey!

September 20, 2011

5 Star Books - Must Reads

There's nothing more useful than getting a 'Must Read' referral.  Yes, we all have different opinions and interests, but we can agree that the '50-pages in' test makes you either keep turning the pages or makes you put it down, permanently.

My intention is to provide my readers on the third Tuesday of each month a book that is worth your while based solely on my humble opinion. In the same token, I will share the reasons for the ones that get put down.

There are so many millions of books that choosing can become overwhelming and reading discouraging when you find yourself never completing a novel.  I am very guilty of this.  Recently, I have found some comfort in losing my reality in a good book, as well as an achievement upon finishing its entirety.

I am very frugal though, so I frequent my local library minimum twice per week.  Perhaps I would purchase books if I read them more than once, which I don't, or I had a trading partner to share the costs, which I don't.

I have a method to my madness.  I visit to see what's Hot, Top Pick or on the bestsellers list.  I'm so commercialized.  I would love to hear from all of you out there for those hidden gem must reads.

Visit my page titled '5 Star Books' in the top portion of my blog or link here 5 Star Books


September 19, 2011

Marriage - The Three C's

Marriage.  Some would say you either love it or loathe it.  I say marriage equals the three C's.  Comfort, Convenience and Caring. 

Next month I'll have been married for 17 years.  We are very comfortable with our lifestyle and I don't mean in a monetary type of way.  Simply, that we like where we live, what we are trying to achieve together on a parenting level in that our values and dreams are the same for our son.

I wouldn't trade my marriage to begin again. So I say it is 'convenient' in the way that we can count on each other to be there.

Truly, we both care for one another deeply.  I have no doubts there.

I have not told him ever and I never will that I suffered a childhood of incest.  Abuse is not a topic in our lives.  I have kept my wounded and damaged soul buried deep in my mind's closet and likely I would have taken my sexual abuse to my grave until this summer.  Memories awakened in just a matter of hours as we stood around my dying father.

Why I won't share everything about myself with my partner.  I don't know.   I trust him completely.  I know he won't judge me.  My therapist says it's shame.  SHAME.  I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.  A mere child.  Children are innocent.  I wasn't.  Innocence was dissolved as quickly as crushing a bug on the sidewalk.  GUILT.  I don't feel guilty of anything.  Disgusted, mortified, unprotected, alone, abandoned, worthless - I didn't matter to her.

I know my husband deserves so much more.  Barely conversing, touching, laughing.  I push him away by hiding myself, escaping any possible stressors.  I was able to achieve normal for so, so long. 
I don't feel comfortable in my own mind, daily life is inconvenient and it is so hard to care.

September 17, 2011

Paper Towels Made Me Cry

Dirty Jobs' Mike Rowe always makes me laugh.  Until the other day when I saw his latest commercial on TV for Viva paper towels.  I've always known that whenever someone shows me affection, says kind words, say they love me or yes, commercials, certain movies and books make me cry. 

It's different for me though, and how I feel is 100% connected to my past of child sexual abuse.  I didn't need my therapist to tell me this.  Even though she did during our first session.  Due to my lack of trust it is difficult for me to accept that someone could truly love me without any ulterior motives. 

So I've been taking my Cipralex regularly now for about 7 weeks.  This commercial comes on and wham, that's it.  I'm done.  Might as well go sleep the rest of the day.

Seeing Mike with his parents and how affectionate they were to him.  The family smiling, sharing food, enjoying spending time together.  I never had this with my family and never will.  I feel so much pain and despair wishing I had Sunday dinners surrounded by normal siblings and loving, regular parents. 

I admit, I envy families that break bread together.  Believe me, I have tried to replace this void in my life with other people.  Often, I am pulled toward older women, befriend them for a motherly surrogate for myself.  I am a firm advocate that biological doesn't make family, necessarily.  Just because you say you love someone for the sake that you share DNA markers is meaningless in my books.  It is not enough for me.  Relationships are what build love, trust and caring. 

So much for only the Church of Latter Day Saints and Children's Hospital commercials making me breakdown.  Even Mike Rowe has the power!

September 15, 2011

Raw Wounds - Part I - Emotional Health Thursdays

In just a matter of less than a week, likely only took a matter of hours I felt like a damaged and wounded soul.  Raw, bleeding pain and fear.

I was leading a regular life.  Functioning, participating, laughing.  A mom, wife, career person.  In April I went off work due to my back initially.  I was also dealing with my husbands cancer.  He was diagnosed on March 29, 2011, with squamous cell carcinoma of the tonsil with HPV positive.  It falls under the head, neck and throat category. We don't have a cancer facility here locally, so he was gone from home Monday to Friday for 6 weeks for his radiation treatments. 

My father died.  Suddenly.  He had a catastrophic ischemic stroke. This happened on June 2nd.  He never woke up and his body left me on June 7th, 2011.

I'm estranged from all of my family.  I have five siblings and my mother is still walking this earth.  Anger.  Yes, I am very angry my therapist says.  I feel more hurt and pain drenched inside.  I feel soaked with being ignored. 

My husband was away when my dad passed and he's the only adult person I have in my life that I trust.

The circumstances surrounding my father's stroke I'll post another day.  His death was what opened up my mind's closet regarding my CSA. 


Physiotherapy First Time - Physical Health Wednesdays

The one good thing about having an appointment commitment is it gets me up and showered. I felt human getting out of the house...nearly.

I've been going to the chiropractor since 1996, getting massage therapy here and there, but had never utilized a physio clinic. Today was my initial assessment. I specifically requested a female physiotherapist (Pt) because I require her pelvic speciality. Okay, yes I have issues in me Jane parts since I had a recurrence with my back injury from 2009. 

In July of 2009, I had a herniated disc at L5, S1 and had surgery to release my sciatica. I will post more about my historical back surgery and the events surrounding that battle at another time.

At Easter of this year, my lumbar flared again at L5, S2.  I've been suffering nerve pain again down my left leg, numbness, tingling, weakness and chronic pain, as well as loss of sensations in me Jane area.

I have difficulty walking, so I drove to the location and didn't wait too long to be seen. Lucky because there was this foul odor in the waiting area.  The Pt was petite, mid thirties and cute. She was quite professional and pleasant to talk with. It's always nice to hit it off with a person who is going to be providing a service to you in the long-term. I feel this way about my stylist, dentist and the auto body repair guy.

The Pt recorded my history and I provided her with my latest MRI report.  She carried out a thorough exam on me.  Due to my pelvic issues she advised me that she would require a script from my family doctor to do a internal exam.  The thoughts exploded in my head!  What?  A physiotherapist can do what only I thought my doctor could at the dreaded, every two year pap smear torture!?  I was not prepared for that, so I was relived that it wasn't taking place at that moment. 

She described to me how she could help me.  Stretching muscles, increasing my core strength, massaging my pudendal nerves.  I had never heard this term before.  After some Googling I was educated .

I have no idea how she plans to stretch and relax that area.  I'm very uncomfortable with all this. 

She provided me with a belt girdle to wear to support my pelvic muscles that are not doing their job until my next appointment.  So far it's quite comfortable except it gives me a muffin top.  Ick.

This was not the adventure I expected from a physio appointment.  Stay tuned.

I apologize for the late post, since it's now Thursday.

September 13, 2011

Chili in the Crockpot - Recipe Tuesdays

Today's post is lighthearted.  Tuesday's are recipe day.  Some I'll pull from in My Mind's Closet - oldies, but goodies.  Some I'll find on the web, which is where I found today's.  I'm one of those people that have a couple of ingredients and I plunk them into the search and match what's in my pantry and ta duh - presto dinner is served.

Normal people cook for their families.  Well I confess, cooking is something that I have let slide in the last six months for a number of reasons, some pathetic, some with value.  So much for a light hearted post. 

Well, I'm proud of myself so I have to share.  Not cooking is a part of my depression.  I feel very guilty about this.  So on the days that I achieve cooking supper for my husband and son I feel good about it.  I've cooked four times now in three weeks.

I do like to cook and I do it well.

I made a fantastic Chili today.  Not my usual way, which is like the way my mother would make it when I was a child and since the thought of my mother upsets me so much I chose to find a new recipe.  I was missing the cocoa and the dark beer and I left out the coriander because I don't care for it.
Chili edited by Tyla

Their bowls were empty, so I think it was a hit!
Let me know if you try it.   Tyla

September 12, 2011

Going in Circles - Wish I Could Figure it Out

I truly want to share my truths.  I am really struggling.  Please help me.  I'm a list person.  I drive myself crazy with lists.  I'm so busy organizing a list that I don't seem to actually do anything on the list.  These are some of the things on my 'To Do List' right now.
  1. Blog everyday - if only I could figure out Blogger and actually get some traffic. Because of this hang up, again I feel like no one's willing to listen to my woes.  Poor baby, me. 
  2. Call a CSA treatment house.
  3. Update my will.
There are about 30 items on the list.  I won't bore you with them all.  My depression takes so much out of me.  I did manage to get showered today.  Did do two loads of laundry.  Went outside.  Visited the public library.  None of these were on my written list. 

Hence the title.  I'm spinning in circles.  Is this my daily life on Cipralex?  An antidepressant I've been taking since July 26th, 2011.  I'll talk about that in another post.

Don't get me wrong, lists are important.  Grocery list, Christmas list, camping lists, wedding lists - lions, tigers and bears, Oh my!  I am a lister! 

I do hide behind humour, often.  I promise to post a number of days per week about my main topic, being my childhood sexual abuse.  It's very difficult.  My flashbacks are coming in spurts.  I have never told my spouse and likely never will. 

Please hold my hand through this journey.  Tyla

September 11, 2011

I am your Neighbour

A part of my mind's closet has stored the memories of this day.

My thoughts are with all the families and emergency professionals - police, fire, ambulance.

September 9, 2011

Sharing my Reality - not a Story

Why now?  Why talk now?  Everyone has their time that they decide to break their silence no matter what the matter is.  Whether it be alcoholism, gambling, infidelity, disease, illness, tragedy, trauma, pregnancy, fetish, fantasy, mistakes, dreams, wishes or like in my case sexual abuse; it feels how it feels for that individual and it is truly unique to only them.  Yes, all these topics may be common or uncommon to some and in some way may relate, but no two people will experience sharing all the details, the shameful, the disgusting, the sad and the guilt ridden feelings the same. 

My posts are real for me, true and factual and are my memories and mine alone.  I am in the infancy of exposing my childhood horrors.  Horrific events to me, but you reading may have something even worse that may have happened to you.  I admit I'm even guilty of thinking another person's reality was nothing compared to my own.  In the same light,  I also have minimized my own childhood sexual abuse (CSA) that his or her trauma was so much worse than mine.

I encourage each follower to support me and give me strength by leaving your comments.  I am a caring person.  No one ever deserves any harm to come to them, nor should I make excuses for his behavior.  It may be slow going for me to expose myself.  That's how I feel.  Exposed.  Raw.  Please stick with me, I have promised myself that I will NOT bury me at the back of my mind's closet again.  No.  I WILL clean and clean until there are no more secrets in my mind.  I am in therapy and have only been for a short time not related to my CSA, but it did come out of me - I couldn't believe I had let the secret escape my lips.  It is MY time.

September 8, 2011

Reluctance is Where I Begin

A heavy sigh just escaped me.  For weeks I've been doing everything to avoid telling my true story of childhood sexual abuse.  I don't consider myself a 'survivor' yet.  No where near.  I have kept my secret for 35 years inside of me hidden in a tiny part of my mind's closet.  Although, I say 'tiny' where the hurt and pain has been enormous is in my heart.  I've only recently read a couple of books in regards to this subject and am alarmed at how these events that went on for at least four years because I can't remember further back than six years old - how the abuse molded my personality traits.  I am frightened as I type these words - the shame, guilt and the thought of exposing myself is overwhelming.  Please be patient.

The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet

The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet
Blogging = cleaning = healing.