I'm hoping to heal through cleaning out my mind's closet - to release all the secrets, to have you listen and to be finally heard. My life, surviving a tragic childhood of sexual abuse and abandonment. Growing up, the journey, the process of healing, speaking out. Getting there. My memoir. Life now at forty something. My personal daily life. My compass goes in all directions, so there will be posts and pics that interest all. Your insight. The lighter side...eventually.
September 17, 2011
Paper Towels Made Me Cry
Dirty Jobs' Mike Rowe always makes me laugh. Until the other day when I saw his latest commercial on TV for Viva paper towels. I've always known that whenever someone shows me affection, says kind words, say they love me or yes, commercials, certain movies and books make me cry.
It's different for me though, and how I feel is 100% connected to my past of child sexual abuse. I didn't need my therapist to tell me this. Even though she did during our first session. Due to my lack of trust it is difficult for me to accept that someone could truly love me without any ulterior motives.
So I've been taking my Cipralex regularly now for about 7 weeks. This commercial comes on and wham, that's it. I'm done. Might as well go sleep the rest of the day.
Seeing Mike with his parents and how affectionate they were to him. The family smiling, sharing food, enjoying spending time together. I never had this with my family and never will. I feel so much pain and despair wishing I had Sunday dinners surrounded by normal siblings and loving, regular parents.
I admit, I envy families that break bread together. Believe me, I have tried to replace this void in my life with other people. Often, I am pulled toward older women, befriend them for a motherly surrogate for myself. I am a firm advocate that biological doesn't make family, necessarily. Just because you say you love someone for the sake that you share DNA markers is meaningless in my books. It is not enough for me. Relationships are what build love, trust and caring.
So much for only the Church of Latter Day Saints and Children's Hospital commercials making me breakdown. Even Mike Rowe has the power!