September 10, 2012

The Day After The Big Tell


A passionate expression of grief.
Mourn (a person's loss or death).
noun.  lamentation - wail - plaint - mourning - moan - elegy
verb.  mourn - wail - moan - bewail - bemoan - weep - deplore

This is how I feel today.  I thought I would feel a sense of 'free', but no, I do not.  If I think this through, which I didn't, I wasn't thinking at all when I blurted out "I was a victim of sexual abuse for five years by my brother!"  "Yes, my first sexual experiences were with my brother through incest!"  I wasn't prepared for my husband's reaction whatsoever.  

Advice to all survivors; no victims-- I really want to say victims because that's the reality; I was a victim, at the time.  I still feel like a victim, but I know I've survived for the most part.  Yes, emotionally I am still terribly bruised and yes, still feel physical affects as well, like headaches, nauseous and fatigue.  Back to my advice, one should contemplate in their mind what the other person's reaction may be, so that you have a plan of how to respond, react and deal with this event of "the big tell". 

We all have a "big tell", no matter the secret; that one person who we just couldn't/can't/won't, would rather die tell.  Whether it is mother, father, clergy, doctor, best friend, partner, spouse, co-worker, therapist, we all have difficulty with one certain person, the most.  For me it took over 20 years to tell my husband, which I just did yesterday during a heated discussion about our relationship or lack of it. 

So, I'm here today, alone at home (sigh), a day I had a list of things I was going to attempt to achieve and I find myself back in bed on my heating pad on the net.  Yes, I got up ambitiously, got dressed, even made a Buttermilk, Blueberry Breakfast Cake (Pintrest!), for my son before he caught the school bus school.  Yeah, for super Mom, retch, I'm so fake, as I waste the day away...guilt, guilt.

Funny, how my mind's closet can have its compass go in all directions during such a major, serious post!  I'm experiencing a type of 'letdown' it seems.  To hold a demon vaulted inside of you for 20 years and finally I expose this "disgusting, shameful, what will he think of me now", confession results in leaving me feeling cheated of relief.  Why?  One for the therapist there. 

Can anyone relate?  Please share with me your experience because I'm so confused.

Yes, I'm now just over one year into my psychotherapy, which obviously has helped me, but I have a ways to go yet.  I cold-turkeyed(sic) my anti-depressants over a month ago now.  I could tell she, my T, was very concerned about that, but I made a choice to 'feel'. 

 I've accepted the day after the big tell and I choose to cleanse my brain today by playing scrabble, which is better than turning to the bottle!  (Which I've never done).

P.S. If you're curious what my husband said to me visit me at


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The Keyhole to My Mind's Closet

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