Paper Towels Made Me Cry

Dirty Jobs' Mike Rowe always makes me laugh.  Until the other day when I saw his latest commercial on TV for Viva paper towels.  I've always known that whenever someone shows me affection, says kind words, say they love me or yes, commercials, certain movies and books make me cry. 

It's different for me though, and how I feel is 100% connected to my past of child sexual abuse.  I didn't need my therapist to tell me this.  Even though she did during our first session.  Due to my lack of trust it is difficult for me to accept that someone could truly love me without any ulterior motives. 

So I've been taking my Cipralex regularly now for about 7 weeks.  This commercial comes on and wham, that's it.  I'm done.  Might as well go sleep the rest of the day.

Seeing Mike with his parents and how affectionate they were to him.  The family smiling, sharing food, enjoying spending time together.  I never had this with my family and never will.  I feel so much pain and despair wishing I had Sunday dinners surrounded by normal siblings and loving, regular parents. 

I admit, I envy families that break bread together.  Believe me, I have tried to replace this void in my life with other people.  Often, I am pulled toward older women, befriend them for a motherly surrogate for myself.  I am a firm advocate that biological doesn't make family, necessarily.  Just because you say you love someone for the sake that you share DNA markers is meaningless in my books.  It is not enough for me.  Relationships are what build love, trust and caring. 

So much for only the Church of Latter Day Saints and Children's Hospital commercials making me breakdown.  Even Mike Rowe has the power!

Tyla

Raw Wounds - Part I - Emotional Health Thursdays

In just a matter of less than a week, likely only took a matter of hours I felt like a damaged and wounded soul.  Raw, bleeding pain and fear.

I was leading a regular life.  Functioning, participating, laughing.  A mom, wife, career person.  In April I went off work due to my back initially.  I was also dealing with my husbands cancer.  He was diagnosed on March 29, 2011, with squamous cell carcinoma of the tonsil with HPV positive.  It falls under the head, neck and throat category.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Head_and_neck_cancer. We don't have a cancer facility here locally, so he was gone from home Monday to Friday for 6 weeks for his radiation treatments. 

My father died.  Suddenly.  He had a catastrophic ischemic stroke.    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stroke. This happened on June 2nd.  He never woke up and his body left me on June 7th, 2011.

I'm estranged from all of my family.  I have five siblings and my mother is still walking this earth.  Anger.  Yes, I am very angry my therapist says.  I feel more hurt and pain drenched inside.  I feel soaked with being ignored. 

My husband was away when my dad passed and he's the only adult person I have in my life that I trust.

The circumstances surrounding my father's stroke I'll post another day.  His death was what opened up my mind's closet regarding my CSA. 

Tyla

Physiotherapy First Time - Physical Health Wednesdays

The one good thing about having an appointment commitment is it gets me up and showered. I felt human getting out of the house...nearly.

I've been going to the chiropractor since 1996, getting massage therapy here and there, but had never utilized a physio clinic. Today was my initial assessment. I specifically requested a female physiotherapist (Pt) because I require her pelvic speciality. Okay, yes I have issues in me Jane parts since I had a recurrence with my back injury from 2009. 

In July of 2009, I had a herniated disc at L5, S1 and had surgery to release my sciatica. I will post more about my historical back surgery and the events surrounding that battle at another time.

At Easter of this year, my lumbar flared again at L5, S2.  I've been suffering nerve pain again down my left leg, numbness, tingling, weakness and chronic pain, as well as loss of sensations in me Jane area.

I have difficulty walking, so I drove to the location and didn't wait too long to be seen. Lucky because there was this foul odor in the waiting area.  The Pt was petite, mid thirties and cute. She was quite professional and pleasant to talk with. It's always nice to hit it off with a person who is going to be providing a service to you in the long-term. I feel this way about my stylist, dentist and the auto body repair guy.

The Pt recorded my history and I provided her with my latest MRI report.  She carried out a thorough exam on me.  Due to my pelvic issues she advised me that she would require a script from my family doctor to do a internal exam.  The thoughts exploded in my head!  What?  A physiotherapist can do what only I thought my doctor could at the dreaded, every two year pap smear torture!?  I was not prepared for that, so I was relived that it wasn't taking place at that moment. 

She described to me how she could help me.  Stretching muscles, increasing my core strength, massaging my pudendal nerves.  I had never heard this term before.  After some Googling I was educated  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pudendal_nerve .

I have no idea how she plans to stretch and relax that area.  I'm very uncomfortable with all this. 

She provided me with a belt girdle to wear to support my pelvic muscles that are not doing their job until my next appointment.  So far it's quite comfortable except it gives me a muffin top.  Ick.

This was not the adventure I expected from a physio appointment.  Stay tuned.

I apologize for the late post, since it's now Thursday.
Tyla

Chili in the Crockpot - Recipe Tuesdays

Today's post is lighthearted.  Tuesday's are recipe day.  Some I'll pull from in My Mind's Closet - oldies, but goodies.  Some I'll find on the web, which is where I found today's.  I'm one of those people that have a couple of ingredients and I plunk them into the search and match what's in my pantry and ta duh - presto dinner is served.

Normal people cook for their families.  Well I confess, cooking is something that I have let slide in the last six months for a number of reasons, some pathetic, some with value.  So much for a light hearted post. 

Well, I'm proud of myself so I have to share.  Not cooking is a part of my depression.  I feel very guilty about this.  So on the days that I achieve cooking supper for my husband and son I feel good about it.  I've cooked four times now in three weeks.

I do like to cook and I do it well.

I made a fantastic Chili today.  Not my usual way, which is like the way my mother would make it when I was a child and since the thought of my mother upsets me so much I chose to find a new recipe.  I was missing the cocoa and the dark beer and I left out the coriander because I don't care for it.
Chili edited by Tyla

Their bowls were empty, so I think it was a hit!
Let me know if you try it.   Tyla

Going in Circles - Wish I Could Figure it Out

I truly want to share my truths.  I am really struggling.  Please help me.  I'm a list person.  I drive myself crazy with lists.  I'm so busy organizing a list that I don't seem to actually do anything on the list.  These are some of the things on my 'To Do List' right now.

1. Blog everyday - if only I could figure out Blogger and actually get some traffic. Because of this hang up, again I feel like no one's willing to listen to my woes.  Poor baby, me. 
2. Call a CSA treatment house.
3. Update my will.

There are about 30 items on the list.  I won't bore you with them all.  My depression takes so much out of me.  I did manage to get showered today.  Did do two loads of laundry.  Went outside.  Visited the public library.  None of these were on my written list. 

Hence the title.  I'm spinning in circles.  Is this my daily life on Cipralex?  An antidepressant I've been taking since July 26th, 2011.  I'll talk about that in another post.

Don't get me wrong, lists are important.  Grocery list, Christmas list, camping lists, wedding lists - lions, tigers and bears, Oh my!  I am a lister! 

I do hide behind humour, often.  I promise to post a number of days per week about my main topic, being my childhood sexual abuse.  It's very difficult.  My flashbacks are coming in spurts.  I have never told my spouse and likely never will. 

Please hold my hand through this journey.  Tyla

I am your Neighbour

A part of my mind's closet has stored the memories of this day.

My thoughts are with all the families and emergency professionals - police, fire, ambulance.

Sharing my Reality - not a Story

Why now?  Why talk now?  Everyone has their time that they decide to break their silence no matter what the matter is.  Whether it be alcoholism, gambling, infidelity, disease, illness, tragedy, trauma, pregnancy, fetish, fantasy, mistakes, dreams, wishes or like in my case sexual abuse; it feels how it feels for that individual and it is truly unique to only them.  Yes, all these topics may be common or uncommon to some and in some way may relate, but no two people will experience sharing all the details, the shameful, the disgusting, the sad and the guilt ridden feelings the same. 

My posts are real for me, true and factual and are my memories and mine alone.  I am in the infancy of exposing my childhood horrors.  Horrific events to me, but you reading may have something even worse that may have happened to you.  I admit I'm even guilty of thinking another person's reality was nothing compared to my own.  In the same light,  I also have minimized my own childhood sexual abuse (CSA) that his or her trauma was so much worse than mine.

I encourage each follower to support me and give me strength by leaving your comments.  I am a caring person.  No one ever deserves any harm to come to them, nor should I make excuses for his behavior.  It may be slow going for me to expose myself.  That's how I feel.  Exposed.  Raw.  Please stick with me, I have promised myself that I will NOT bury me at the back of my mind's closet again.  No.  I WILL clean and clean until there are no more secrets in my mind.  I am in therapy and have only been for a short time not related to my CSA, but it did come out of me - I couldn't believe I had let the secret escape my lips.  It is MY time.

Reluctance is Where I Begin

A heavy sigh just escaped me.  For weeks I've been doing everything to avoid telling my true story of childhood sexual abuse.  I don't consider myself a 'survivor' yet.  No where near.  I have kept my secret for 35 years inside of me hidden in a tiny part of my mind's closet.  Although, I say 'tiny' where the hurt and pain has been enormous is in my heart.  I've only recently read a couple of books in regards to this subject and am alarmed at how these events that went on for at least four years because I can't remember further back than six years old - how the abuse molded my personality traits.  I am frightened as I type these words - the shame, guilt and the thought of exposing myself is overwhelming.  Please be patient.
Tyla