Talk Therapy has No Place in The Workplace

It's Friday - that special day of the week that everyone (except shift-workers) looks forward to.  I suppose retired people don't get too excited either.  I've missed that euphoric feeling while being home on short-term sickness since April.  I'm going back to work on Monday after five months for 3 hours a day to start.  I'm having anxiety about it for sure.  If you've never been off work due to injury or illness perhaps you have for maternity or parental leave, for a sabbatical or remember how you felt being off school in the summers and come the night before school's first day you can't sleep because you've been away from it for awhile.  Feelings of worry.  Will people judge me for being off?  Do some thing I am faking so I could have the summer off?  We call that Doctor Summer-off in my workplace.  Will some ignore or avoid me?  Will some pry until my head pops right off?  I'm not looking forward to the "How are you?" question over and over.  Yes, some people honestly do care, but most just want the gossip.

Remember since March 2011 my:

• mentor and dear friend died of cancer
• husband was diagnosed 4 days later with cancer
• back inflames at L5, S1, S2
• mother-in-law suffered a TIA (transient ischemic attack) mini stroke
• husband endured 36 radiation treatments
• father had a stroke and died 7 days later
• dysfunctional family was around me in the hospital for those 7 days
• mind's closet was stirred up beyond return - flashbacks started
• grief takes over depression sets in
• talk therapy begins
• meds are Lyrica, Tylenol 3 and Cipralex
• mother-in-law breaks her leg now all her children are fighting
• appointment with neurosurgeon after 4 months of waiting is "I can't help you"
• meds now include Hydromorph Contin
• pharmacist overdoses me when a dispensing error occurs - hospitalized
• son goes back to school riding the school bus for the first time
• spot on the adult sexual abuse counselling waiting list gets another 10 day delay

I have never had any drama in  my life.  Then wham all this above happens to me all in just a matter of three months.  I know I had a nervous breakdown.  Ashamed to admit it because no one would ever in a million years think that I would not be able to handle all of everything. 

My tough exterior, move on attitude, suck it up princess has done me wonders over the past 35 years.  Then I arrive at my therapy session and I can finally be myself.  It just sucks the life right out of me acting all the time like I am normal and confident.  Finally, able to breath when I see my T's face and my small, red tub chair waiting for me.  The facial tissue to my left - will I need them today?  We shall see. 

My T is the one for me.  I don't want our relationship to ever end.  She helped me do the intake call to the organization that assists individuals with sexual abuse at that time I was put on the list.  I know that once I start those sessions specifically about the CSA that gradually my T will transition out of the picture.  I don't want her to let me go.  So every time that they don't call or we play telephone tag inside I am pleased.  I've been waiting since July and as time goes by I am healing and sealing up the dirty secret back to the back of my mind's closet.  I like it there, forgotten.  Yes, I lie to myself.  I did so well at keeping the thoughts suppressed. 

Talk therapy what good comes from it?  What is the theory or logic behind this method -  we need to talk to heal?  Why?  Why is telling a trained professional, but a stranger at the same time, the dark and sick details of my sexual abuse possibly going to help fix me?

I have difficulty with the organizations first question "What are your goals?"  I have no idea.  I know what my goal isn't. 

• I will never forgive.
• I can't change the past.
• I won't find strength in my faith.
• I will never tell my husband or anyone that knows me.
• I know the abuse wasn't my fault.

What good can come from the gory details?

My T is a very good listener.  I rant, she's making her grocery list in her head.  It's a difficult job listening to people and remember each week whose story goes with who.  Sometimes I say to her, "I told you that last time".  She furrows her brow.  I wonder if my life is boring to her or classic or are clients like waiting for the next episode of a TV series that you follow?

Her style is humanistic, some cognitive behaviour therapy and talk.  She doesn't say very much.  She's challenged me not much.  I've failed all of my homework assignments.

1. write a letter to my dad to say good bye
2. journal my feelings to get them out
3. write a letter to my mother
4. write a letter to my brother
5. plan some fun overnight with just my husband
6. read Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

I am blogging so I think I pass number two!  Also, I've read the chapters that interested me in number six.  My sessions are moving to every two weeks now. 

My goals are:

1. to be a better mother, wife and grandmother
2. to be kinder and more patient
3. to be consistent with my boundaries regarding my time and the people I chose to share it with
4. to manage my physical pain
5. to achieve positive behaviours and leave depression far behind me
6. to have some fun

If I know one thing for sure, it is that I do not want to practice 'Talk Therapy' in my cubicle life.

Tyla

Parenting Patterns

Being a parent is so exhausting. Is that negative to say? Perhaps. If you're not tired, frustrated, concerned and feeling guilty then you're not doing it right.

What kind of parent will I be? We ask ourselves this and have a mindset of what type we want to be. Patient, loving, helpful, protective, fun. The expectations we set on ourself are tremendous.

I never wanted to be a mother. I can connect that feeling now to my incestuous sexual abuse that I suffered. Afraid, I would be just like my own mother - lousy at the role. Questioning why would I want to bring a person into this horrible world at the risk of them enduring my history.

Life, so unpredictable though dropped in my lap one May day in 1992, an instant family. A girl of 9 and a boy just 6. Eight years I spent mothering these children on Wednesdays and every other weekend. It turned out that I was pretty good at the step-mother role.

When a man comes with children and an ex wife those factors can determine whether you stay for the long haul. I was very fortunate to be given only what I could handle. Wonderful stepchildren. They were excellent practice for me so I could analyze the values of being a mother. Perhaps my bio-clock started to tick at 29, but more so I realized that I would be nothing like my own mother.

I had my hang-ups though. I only wanted a boy. I knew I was having a boy because there was no way I would bring a girl into this world to suffer. Not to say that boys have never been victims of sexual abuse, but I just couldn't bear to bring a little girl into the world. I don't know if there are other survivors that may have felt this same way.

My parenting patterns did develop with my stepchildren, but I can speak to it that parenting your biological child is very different. (Please don't send me nasty comments for saying this).

I'm only speaking to me as a mother of my son. During the infant, toddler and youth years 0 to 8, I had certain parenting patterns.

0 to 2 yrs

• I didn't put my son down for the first six months. When he slept, he slept in my arms. I ran to his every cry, murmur and gurgle. I never wanted him to feel alone or abandoned. I was calm, patient and loving. No, I am not an advocate of the "Ferber Method".
• At 7 months I had to return to work. I got a nanny to come to my house. I came home at lunch to nurse and check in.
• I was always following right behind like a mama bear.
• When relatives wanted to hold him, I stood right beside them.
• My husband and I were the only people to change his bottom.
• We hugged and kissed him so much.

3 to 4 yrs

• At near 3, I fired my nanny and put my son reluctantly in daycare. When money becomes more important than my child - you're FIRED. I knew it was good for socialization skills and he was potty trained pretty much. I went to the daycare everyday on my lunch hour to check on him, the facility and the workers. I brought a number of issues to the supervisor’s attention.
• I treat my child like a person and encourage him to voice his opinion. That what he has to say matters.
• At this age the birthday parties begin. I never left my child at a stranger’s house and I found it odd that I was the only parent that would stay with their child. I guess it is a break for weary parents to drop their child(ren) off for a couple hours freedom to do shopping or whatever. I could only think of the terrible things that could occur. Do only adult childhood sexual abuse survivors think the way I think and feel? Not simply are the parents of the birthday child present, but often these parties kill two birds with one stone where the relatives are included with the friends’ party. More adults, teens, grandparents, uncles, neighbours or birthday child's mom's new boyfriend are present. All the dark corners in basements, closets, backyard sheds would run through my mind. Who would help my child to the washroom if he needed it? I'll tell you who. Me. That's who. I did get some odd looks when I would arrive with my Tim's in hand and remove my shoes at the door. Looks of "oh, you're staying? You’re not going to just dump your kid on us and runaway? That weird, and as many looks of relief. I would just say how can I help, here let me make the hotdogs. Even when parties were held at a public venue like McDonald's I would stay. What if these parents don't ensure the buddy system to the washroom, I would ask myself. A child can be molested or taken from a washroom. I didn't feel paranoid or overprotective. I felt proactive in preventing an incident that I know can damage your world forever. There is nothing more important to me than my child.

5 to 7 yrs

• Even at this youth age I remained diligent in my parenting patterns. Sleep outs for my son were not permitted at this age. He was welcome to have friends at our house. I encourage friends to our house because that way I feel that my son is completely safe.
• With my son in school full-time I express concerns and address matters with the teachers and principal immediately. It's important for them to know your face and know that you won't take matters casually. I am my child's advocate.
• I am anti school bus, again due to my own childhood experiences of being bullied on the bus.
• We spend a lot of time with our son. I read to him in a pattern every night before bed. His dad has breakfast with him each morning. Structure is key to our parenting patterns.

8 to 9 yrs

• Patterns are like plans. They begin to change significantly as he ages and we do too. I'm more relaxed now that I know I have equipped my child with how to protect himself. I do let him sleepover at one friend's house now. I still would rather he be at home.
• I'm not as patient as when he was little. I guess because I have certain expectations of him. To listen, do what I ask of him and be respectful. He doesn't always do what I ask.
• My husband often says this is my fault that I gave him his right to speak his mind and believe me he does. I'm proud of him though for that. As a child I never said much of anything. I was submissive and lonely.
• I allow my son at 9 to take a taxi home after school, use his own house key and be home alone for an hour. First rule is he must call me at work as soon as he arrives home. At 9 he was too old for the after school daycare.

10 yrs

• At this age our son got a paper route, which I encouraged his independence to make his own money and to teach him responsibility. Do we let him do the route alone? No. We spend more on gasoline then he makes. That's not the point though. My parenting pattern of independence and instilling work ethics is.
• He likes school and has friends. He never reports any bullying to me.
• Ensuring he is involved in some sort of activity is our parenting pattern for his health and self-esteem. Karate is his niche. We introduced swimming, violin, acting and few others, but in the end it's martial arts. Great for his confidence.

11 yrs present day

• Parenting patterns change drastically it seems. I permitted him to ride his bike in our neighbourhood with a friend only. I worried the whole time.
• He began riding the school bus to and from school and so far so good. For me and him.
• He is a tweener now so he's into technology, but not girls yet. Trust me we've had that conversation.
• I'm proud of the young lad that he is, so my parenting patterns must be alright.

I do have more anxiety than most parents, I believe due to my personal experiences. My number one goal is to protect my son from harm. It seems so simple, but my mother could never do it for me.

Going through the healing process of sexual abuse and child bullying peer abuse, my current physical back pain, my present depression, which I try to hide from my child, but I know it all, affects my parenting patterns. I must triumph beyond these mind controls. I have teenage parenting patterns in front of me. Thank goodness I have my stepchildren who gave me lots of practice.

Tyla

Reluctance is Where I Begin

A heavy sigh just escaped me.  For weeks I've been doing everything to avoid telling my true story of childhood sexual abuse.  I don't consider myself a 'survivor' yet.  No where near.  I have kept my secret for 35 years inside of me hidden in a tiny part of my mind's closet.  Although, I say 'tiny' where the hurt and pain has been enormous is in my heart.  I've only recently read a couple of books in regards to this subject and am alarmed at how these events that went on for at least four years because I can't remember further back than six years old - how the abuse molded my personality traits.  I am frightened as I type these words - the shame, guilt and the thought of exposing myself is overwhelming.  Please be patient.
Tyla