Game of Thrones - Epic Return April 6th!

On the edge of my seat, I am!  On HBO, 9pm, April 6, 2014 - can't arrive soon enough.  The return of Game of Thrones - a epic season 4 will be bestowed upon us all!

The greatest series of our time thanks to amazing author George R.R. Martin.

You can read an excerpt from his next novel in the series here excerpt-from-the-winds-of-winter.

His fantasy driven, historic period based stories with intense sexuality and savage, brutal murderous plots make for great television viewing.  That's what people want - SEX, HATE, MURDER,  BETRAYAL, LOVE, FANTASY.

With amazing costumes, sets and filming locations, you can't not love Game of Thrones!

Tyla

Oscar Pistorius From the Courtroom Week 4

The State's case is completed. Prosecutor Nel put forth the facts to the best of his ability. It will be interesting to see what type of cross-examiner he is when he gets that opportunity beginning on Monday, March 28, 2014. 

The defence for Oscar Pistorius will lay out his case in great detail. In South Africa if the accused is going to take the stand in their own defence they must be first in the line-up of witnesses. 

This week Mrs. Stipp gave her version of events. You'll recall that her husband Dr. Johan Stipp was an earlier witness for the state. She was a credible witness. Educated and highly intelligent. What stood out was she indicated there were two sets of shots with a pause in between when she heard the screams of a female. She was caught in a lie on the stand regarding whether she was present when the photographs of her smaller balcony door/window were taken. The defence brought to the court's attention that there was a hand visible holding back the curtain in the photo. The wrist of the hand clearly showing a woman's watch. Well, Mrs. Stipp was asked to show the watch she was wearing in court and it was the same watch in the photo. Mrs. Stipp said, she wasn't present for all the sets of pictures, but yes, for that photo in particular, she was. This is not significant in my opinion. 

Next on the stand was the cellular expert, Captain Francois Moller.  He had carriage of the technology evidence: iPads, cellular phones, Blackberries, Mac computer. The state had him read out certain WhatsApp chat/text messages between the deceased and the accused. Four messages were read into the court record that basically brought attention to the fact that the couple had some arguments. The gist was that Oscar treated Reeva with disrespect in public and he acted like a sulking child. He was jealous when she spoke to another male. He picked on her for her accent and chewing gum. 

In my opinion, he portrayed some control issues, typical jealous - they were only four months into their relationship, so minor spats getting to know each other and being threatened of other men speaking to your gorgeous model girlfriend is not unusual. Being disrespectful and a tad controlling though is a red flag. As is apologizing and making excuses after i.e. Oscar said he behaved inappropriately because he was sick, had a headache and was hungry. Reeva in her text message was honest about how the accused made her feel, she stood up to him and stated that she was scared of him and didn't like the way he snapped at her. I personally once was in a two-year relationship with a man that was similar to this in the early stages of dating. I'll tell you, just from these text conversations alone, my feeling is Oscar and Reeva would not have lasted. It's unfortunate that she didn't end this doomed relationship straightaway after he treated her like shit these few number of times. Reeva gave Oscar one too many chances and she ended up killed. 

Whether her death is proved accidental or not, this union had verbal abuse and potential for physical violence written all over it eventually in some form or another. Oscar was definitely a jerk boyfriend to her by belittling and embarrassing her in public more than once. His behaviour would have just continually progressed to different levels of a**hole. 

I don't believe the text messages were that damning to the accused as there were over 1060 conversations between the two of them that portrayed a loving and kind nature. Which the defence took no time in pointing out in cross-examination. Some weight will go towards the fact that the deceased stated in writing that she was scared of him though. Women don't say they are scared of their boyfriends normally. That's a great concern. I know I have never felt or said that I'm scared of my husband. I was very scared of my prior boyfriend hence why I have no regrets of the demise of that relationship! Women don't say they are scared without good reason. 

I continue to reserve judgment until the defence rest their case and final submissions are in from both counsel, which could be quite sometime before that happens. I predict the latter of May, perhaps the beginning of June before all of this is said and done. 

The defence requested and was granted by the court the chance to recall forensic expert, police Colonel Johan Vermeulen who gave evidence regarding the cricket bat and the damage on the commode closet door. I didn't gather any thing significant from this recall of this witness. 

The defence requested the court's indulgence to be given an opportunity to consult with those state witnesses that were not called. Court reconvenes on Monday. 

Tyla

Oscar Pistorius From the Courtroom Week 3

In week three we heard from the Firearms Academy where Oscar took a course on gun safety and wrote an exam in order to be able to own guns.  Sean Rens gave evidence that Oscar passed this exam and was educated in safety practices i.e. knowing your target visually before firing.  I'd say an epic fail on that one since he could not see who was behind the commode closet door.  The witness gave the impression though that there was no excuse for Oscar's choices when it came to firearm practices.

Also, the police photographer, Warrant Officer Berand van Staden, went through the albums in evidence tediously with the prosecutor.  Items that stood out were the fact that the accused had washed his hands prior to a sample being taken of gunshot residue and blood.  The defense inquired why he chose certain particular photos of Oscar mostly bloody.  

The defence in my opinion has proved that the crime scene was contaminated by police and that some credibility is in question due to the missing watch, footprints, evidence handling without gloves etc.  Is it enough though?  No, as I believe the scene was also disturbed by the accused by moving the body, and when he went back upstairs to put a shirt on.  This would explain the blood on the bedroom wall, simply blood transfer.  He had blood on his hands and in moving his hands around blood was transferred to the wall.  I don't believe anything occurred in the bedroom.

Ballistics expert, Captain Christian Magena, was an excellent witness.  He knew his stuff and rarely had to refer to his notes.  It was very clear that:

• Oscar was on his stumps at the time of the shooting.
• He shot tap - pause - tap, tap, tap.
• Reeva was in a standing position by the toilet bowl facing the door when the first shot impacted her right hip.  This bullet caused her to give out and became seated or slumped on the magazine rack.
• The second bullet did not hit her, but hit the wall and ricocheted, which caused fragments of the bullet to spray hitting her in the back causing bruising.
• The witness demonstrated how she was in a defensive position bringing her hands to her head with her arms bent upwards when the third bullet went through her upper left arm.
• The fourth bullet hit the victim's head through her fingers when she slumped completely over at the waist and her head came to rest on the seat of the open toilet.  The blood from her head wound pooled into the bowl and the blood from her arm wound pooled on the floor below.   

The defence tried to rattle Officer Magena, but he wasn't having it.  It stood to his analysis and version of what transpired.

Blood spatter expert, Colonel Ian van der Nest, was a straightforward witness explaining the transfer of blood on the sitting room chair downstairs was simply cast off while the victim was carried down the stairs.  As was the blood on the cricket bat, simply transfer, the bat was not used in an blunt force trauma scenario on the victim.

Now that I've heard the ballistics expert where he describes the pause between the first and second shots and that there was no way it was a double tap because that second shot would have happened so fast it would have impacted Reeva's hip region a second time, I'm thinking she had time to scream out in pain and this is the female scream that the neighbour heard.  This would show intent to kill because the accused would hear and identify with the female scream.  Up until this evidence I hadn't heard the prosecution lay any groundwork for 'intent'.  

I remain reserved in my judgments until I have heard all the evidence from the defence.

Tyla

Oscar Pistorius Trial From the Courtroom Week 2

I continue to follow the Oscar Pistorius trial very closely.  I have watched all ten days of the court proceedings in their entirety.  That's what you do when you're on disability and not working.  The viewing is bringing back many memories of my own days sitting in court day after day listening to all the facts, marking exhibits, swearing in witnesses, passing documents to the judge, etc.

I find it amusing how people who comment on YouTube are so oblivious to the court process.  Well, I shouldn't say that because that is a good thing because one the commenter has never been to court before for either a criminal, divorce, small claims, family court matter whatsoever and/or they have never worked in the legal field.  This would explain the comments related to why does defence counsel go around in circles with his questioning, he's so irritating, ugh, shut-up already, why doesn't he move on...and so on.

I will tell you this, Mr. Roux is extremely talented and knows exactly what he is doing.  In the same breath, so is Mr. Nel, the prosecutor.  They are both doing a good job.  Witnesses have all been considerable articulate and have answer all questions put to them to the best of their ability.

The accused is behaving as he should in a courtroom.  Keeping his composure when possible and being human when he is overcome with his emotions.  I don't see an actor in anyway, shape or form in Mr. Pistorius' demeanour.  He is a living person who smiles when he feels it, smirks when he disagrees with a witness in that "oh my God that's not what happened" sort of way, which is typical.  He retched and vomited during Professor Gert Saayman's testimony of the autopsy as horrific still photographs of the victim's body were on the visual aids in the courtroom.  The professor gave disturbing details in a scientific manner that to any person hearing them would be cringing, so I imagine if I were the person who inflicted all of this damage to a person I cared about and how it would impact me, yes, I may vomit as well and cry.

It's not that I feel sorry for the accused.  I feel empathy for this entire situation that has changed many lives. Lives that were not being wasted.  Reeva was just coming into her career as a model and television personality, a law graduate and advocate for charity.  Oscar a champion runner, supporting amputees, with an education.  Reeva's parents surviving the death of their only child.  Oscar's siblings doing their best to support him during this trial.  No one wins.  There is no satisfaction in the end.  When all of these matters are said and done, these people will move on with their lives and all of this trauma will be clung to their brains and hearts like adhesive that will never come off.  Not unlike all of us survivors of childhood sexual abuse.  

In week two of the trial details I found interesting were:

• Reeva's stomach contents indicated she had eaten two hours prior, meaning she would have had to have eaten at 1:00 a.m.
• Oscar did was on his stumps when he shot at the toilet door.
• Two cellphones were located on the floor in the toilet room, one white, one black.  It will be interesting to see what the phone records show.
• The gun was lying on a mat still cocked.
• There is contradicting statements by police on who had gone upstairs and when.  Former South African Police Services colonel Schoombie van Rensburg testified that he was the first officer on the scene at 3:55 a.m. on February 14, 2013, and that he and former lead investigator Hilton Botha followed the blood trail to the first floor.
• Mishandling of evidence and police competence in issue.
• Oscar Pistorius a gun hobbyist and aggressive/immature in nature with the handling of such.

I still wonder if the couple was having an argument in the early morning hours, whether domestic violence is a factor, when was the last call made from Reeva's cell phone, how tainted is the physical evidence, the issues with officer's lying in their statements, did Oscar disturb anything upstairs when Dr. Stipp was present at 3:17 a.m., was the ex-boyfriend a factor, why did Reeva lock the toilet door (they had been only dating four months), were the curtains drawn...

I do have reasonable doubt towards certain facts, but so far none of the evidence proves whether the accused had intention or was the killing accidental.  

I for one from what I've heard so far about South Africa would not want to reside there. I'm surprised that Mr. Pistorius hadn't applied for citizenship elsewhere and with his celebrity like others of the same stature move to Los Angeles or the US in general.  Check out the crime statistics here. Pretoria Crime Stats  They are mindblowing.  

Read an article of a different view of living in South Africa.  Living in South Africa

I'll catch you up next week with details of week three.

Tyla

Oscar Pistorius Trial - From the Courtroom Not the Youtube Comments Courtroom - Week 1

The Blade Runner's first week of trial has come to a weekend adjournment and will resume on Monday, March 10, 2014, at 9:30 a.m.

Oscar Pistorius is charged with the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. On February 13, 2013, in the early morning hours of February 14, 2013, Oscar Pistorius shot Steenkamp four times through a closed bathroom door at his residence in South Africa.  He has pleaded not guilty to the charge of murder and states that he thought a burglar was in his home and that he and Reeva's safety was his concern and that he mistakenly caused the death of Steenkamp.

I have been following the trial on YouTube sabcdigitalnews channel.  South Africa Digital News

Day 1, Session 1

Day 1, Session 2

All witnesses are under a protection order that they cannot be shown on camera or are any still photos to be posted of them by the media.  You simply view the courtroom staff, judge, lawyers, audience, and Mr. Pistorius sits alone in the holding dock.  My observations of the accused are that he appears somber and wishes that this had never happened.  The trial days are long and monotonous and you see Oscar rubbing his eyes and forehead in exhaustion.  On day 4 when radiologist witness is on the stand and he is asked what did you see when you arrived at the accused house and is shown a photograph of the deceased victim, I clearly saw Oscar emotional and remorseful, but that was the single time this wee, otherwise his composure is calm.

I personally sat for seven years behind the bench in court exactly where you see the presiding judges' clerk, Suzette sitting.  That was my job for seven years.  I've heard many cases, handled huge amounts of disturbing exhibits and have first-hand experience observing prosecutors and defence tactics in court.  The trial is in the very early stages, but both sides are clearly doing their jobs.  Witnesses so far are very well spoken, in control of their answers and not easily riled by Mr. Roux, Oscar's lead defence lawyer ( mini Roux CV ).  He's obviously talented and working very diligently for his client.  For the prosecution, Mr. Gerrie Nel.  The judge is Her Lady Thokozile Masipa pistorius murder trial key people.

The witnesses testimony summarized so far is:

• neighbours were awaken by screams (bloodcurdling, loud)
• the screams sounded like a female
• the screams were of a nature that something terrible was happening, life threatening terrible, a family tragedy was occurring
• then there were a loud sound, like bang, bang, bang
• four shots were heard (it's confirmed)
• the radiologist heard cries for help three times, he called estate security and he attended the scene to help
• he observed Reeva's body at the bottom of the stairs with Oscar kneeled beside her with one of his hands covering the wound in her groin and he had his fingers in her mouth trying to sweep or open her airway
• the doctor stated that Oscar was crying and praying to God to let Reeva live, he was inconsolable, begging to devote his life to God if He would not let her die
• the doctor saw no signs of life, he check her pupils, neck pulse and noted there was blood and brain matter mixed in her hair that it was too late

It's unfortunate that people make up their minds before hearing all the facts and evidence and have determined an accused persons guilt or innocence based on just their own opinion.  Did Oscar Pistorius killed Reeva Steenkamp?  Yes, he did.  That's not what's in question.  Did he kill her with premeditation, with plan, with intention.  Perhaps they did have an argument (that hasn't come out yet in testimony), even if they were arguing and in a fit of rage still doesn't prove premeditation.difference-between-murder-culpable-homicide

I'm not sure why South Africa hasn't had jury trials since 1969, and I'm not comfortable with one not having the option to choose judge and jury or judge alone.

Perhaps it is from my experience the weight I put on reserving my personal judgments until after I've heard all of the facts in the environment of the judicial system, but I also give credit to myself for the person that I just am - one who believes in fairness and justice for all persons.  

I will continue to follow this trial and we will see whether I agree with the Judges' decision in the end based on what I heard from the courtroom.

Tyla

Won a Battle - War Results TBD

Good news!  Read all about it!

It's true, I have achieved a successful outcome worthy of mentioning.  I continue to jump the hurdles and weather on through the roadblocks that continuously come my way regarding my return to work.  As mentioned, in previous post Up Hill Battle Return to Work my employer was seeking a IME, which I was not pleased about for all sorts of reasons.  Today, several weeks later, I have been advised that my insurance is sending me to a Functional Abilities Examination/Evaluation (FAE).  This test will be carried out over a two-day period and will be conducted locally, so I don't have to drive for hours.  I`m very happy about not having to sit in a car all day because this would only increase my back pain and set me up for failure.

The physiotherapy/occupational department at my local hospital will do the FAE utilizing tests to measure my abilities.  I was advised that some tests will be job specific and some will not.  The reason for this is to determine whether you can do 'any' types of jobs and not just your own or not.  

Once the two days of testing are complete a report will be prepared and sent only to my insurance provider, who in turn will either summarize the information because the employer is not entitled to any information regarding diagnosis, and if the document is restricted to only my limitations/restrictions and abilities the report in its entirety would be forwarded.  I will be able to obtain a copy through my GP.

I feel this is a win for me because this individual is not giving a independent medical opinion as a third party practitioner, therefore, my doctor's opinion is not in question here.  Also, I'm not required to sign some absurd consent form, which was not applicable to my case as my employer prior was requesting such.

Anyone out there who may have experience to share with me about an FAE, please share in the comments.

Wish me luck,

Tyla

Up Hill Battle to Return to Work

A new experience has begun.  I have been trying to return to work since July 2013.  I'm having no success.  Please share your stories with returning to work after/with an injury/illness/condition.

I was assigned a Rehabilitation Consultant (RC) by my long-term income protection provider (disability insurance) back in July.  She met with me in person on July 4th.  This was her initial assessment of me.  She asked me questions about what my restriction/limitations were.  Whether I could return to my same job and what accommodations I may need.  Do need.  She wrote a report, made a plan and what came of that was my employer requesting that my medical information be more specific.  The RC designed a questionnaire she called it for my doctor and sent it directly to him.  Once this completed questionnaire was provided to my employer on Sep 11th, it took until Nov 26, for my employer to advise the RC that they wanted a Independent Medical Exam (IME).

I've done my research and IMEs are not a good thing for employees.  Here's how an IME works.  Firstly, to say the exam is "independent" is a joke.  The choice of doctor to carryout this IME is no choice at all, the medical practitioner is dictated to you.  You are not the client.  Your employer is the doctor's client.  So, in that case any report that is done by this doctor is going to be written in favour of whatever your employer is looking for the report to indicate for them.  These reports are very costly; upwards of $4000 that your employer is paying.  The employee does not get a draft of the report prior to your employer because you are not the client.  So if there are any inaccuracies or items that you do not agree with, tough luck.  Your employer has already absorbed what the report says.  What if there are contradictions with what your own doctor has provided.  What opinion do you think the employer is going to rely on?  Oh yes, don't kid yourself.  The report that they paid thousands of dollars for.

So, yes I'm freaking out!  I simply require a type of chair that has a feature to recline and elevate my legs, with a laptop table to work.

Has your employer ever put you through extreme measures when you felt it unnecessary?  Have you ever fought for your Human Rights?  I feel punished for having a disability.  I never asked for this life, but you must fight for a life to have!

Tyla

Second Back Surgery

On February 8th, 2013, I underwent my second back surgery.  I had to travel 1.5 hours West because there are no neurosurgeons in my city of 56,000.  My surgery was scheduled for 7:30 a.m.  There were no delays.  The next thing I knew was I was waking up in the recovery room with about eight other patients.  These new blow-in hot air blanket gadgets they have now are wonderful.  I was nice and warm, but that was about all that was nice.  I have never experienced so much pain in all my life.  I have had a vaginal home birth with no drugs and that was a 5 compared to this ordeal.

I was given pain medication that had no purpose as it did not help.  I have had a similar surgery to this and this felt in no way similar!

Recovery was difficult.  The meds make me feel sick.  Eating a chore.  BMs a nightmare.  I felt like a brick was left in my back, never mind a scaple.  Gradually, I healed, but the numbness in my thigh, calf and foot remain the same. 

I am thankful I can do most things: walk, climb stairs, stand.  My limitations are basically lifting, bending and sitting and standing too long.

Tyla

I'm A Cat

Read that title and people will think, "Say what?"  It's true.  It won't be long before I actually grow whiskers!  I basically lie in bed 24/7.  Get my nutrient requirements for the day.  Occasionally perk-up to noise or menial tasks, like showering and relieving myself. 

For anyone who has never experienced chronic, long-term pain, depression, mental stress, self-loathing, anxiety and lack of human connection than you just won't understand.  The thing is, I think there are few human beings on this earth who have never struggled with such times.  In this case my audience is vast. 

I can't figure out how to change my situation.  I procrastinate.  I have no motivation.  It's cold outside.  I have nothing productive to do. I'm bored.  I'm lonely.  I'm afraid.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm weak.  I'm in pain.  I don't care.  Here's what my therapist hears.

I don't actually say these excuses to her out loud in a session, but I'm thinking them in my head.  Of course, I know the negative thoughts in my head are bullshit, but how do I stopped this thinking?  I do want to, but I've been in this state for some time now and its become a way of life.  A shitty day to day existence. I'm a cat. 

So at my last T with Auds, (that's what I put in my calendar when I have an appointment for therapy) she asked me "What do you like to do"?  I don't know.  She called me out and said "C'mon that's not true."  She was getting on my nerves last session.  I have no idea what to do.  I'm in a situation.  I'm on long-term disability at 43 years-old.  WTF?!  I was already doing what I love and was a superstar at it.  Now, I'm not so sure.  How can someone love being a paper-pusher.   I was organized, fast, creative, innovative, problem-solver, go-gett'er, the person everyone sucked the life out of....hmmmm, yes, a realization, I was USED a lot!  With never any written recognitions put on my personnel file and certainly never any advancement. 

I read the other day the difference between a job and a career is a career has opportunities.  It shocked me to realize I only had a job.  I seriously thought I actually had a career to be proud of.  It wasn't the work I was proud of it was how I was amazing at everything that was put in front of me to accomplish.  When I do something, I do it well.  That's just the way I am.  I have my own personal production standards.  Not perfectionism.  That's a whole 'nother problem, and one I can proudly say I do not have in my repertoire of issues! Smile. 

Ahhhh, so it's passion we're talking about.  Yes, Auds, I get it, but I can't find it!  Here's some things I like doing.

1. Flower gardening
2. Reading and Researching
3. Walking
4. Camping
5. Watching TV
6. Playing Scrabble
7. Writing
8. Giving blood

Here's some things I dream about doing. Not like 'big dreams', but 'it'd be cool to do' kind of dreams.  There's a difference.

1. Become a pharmacist
2. Become a tattoo artist
3. Try therapeutic art journalling
4. Write my memoir
5. Learn to write so I can be a real writer
6. Travel and work from place to place
7. Work with a prevention team specific to incest sexual abuse by a sibling
8. Become a high school guidance counsellor
9. Design an App

Rant, rant, rant. 

I live in reality though.  All those annoying quotes on Pinterest like 'be all you can be' 'your dreams are waiting' 'just do it'...well guess what there are real factors that stand in the way.

1. Money
2. Time
3. Location
4. Support
5. Age
6. Opportunity

Life is not doing what you love.  It's doing anything that you can actually achieve in the situation that you're in and it allows you to live and not just exist.  Take the pressure off and stop feeling like a failure.

If you happen to be passionate and love what you're doing, you are so very lucky.  I compare it to finding a red diamond.

Tyla

No One Asks - - Part I

Here I lay another unproductive, useless day.  My pain is especially great today...but this post is not about that, so shall we dive right in to....my FEELINGS.  Ick, barf, blah.  I truly can say I'm coming to an escalation of being fed up with...feeling.  Always negative.  Dismal.  Shitty.  It's exhausting.

I can already hear you trying to comfort me...some rolling their eyes...such drama.  Please let me be...feel this way.  It's healthy.  I hate 'pleasantries'...they are just that 'to please' oneself most times.  We don't always need positive affirmations (as if they have some magical power), or hugs keyboard characters.  No, it's not wrong to respond to people who are hurting in this way, but the fact is these responses serve no useful purpose.  They are not advice or service driven.  The best sympathy, which people don't normally request; to be pitied or felt sorry for is not productive, so I suggest silence and empathy.  Empathy meaning you have in fact walked in those shoes...experienced matters that have brought on the same types of feelings and results is the only way you can truly empathize with another person.  There is a huge difference. 

Without the person explaining.

The best practice is to just listen, really actively listen.

I've been reading this

http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/10-self-help-lessons-writer-augusten-burroughs-160000837.htmle

I like his writing; it's in reality.  His sarcasm.  His dark humor.  I've read it and as I was I had so many of those "that is so true" moments.  No he is not a self-help expert...if he was a professional then his books would be written all 'warm and fuzzy' with do this do that to fix yourself bullshit.  What Mr. Burroughs is is a raw and honest real life writer.  In fact, he was sexual abused at the age of 13 for several years, so I'm not surprised by no means that I found a lot of familiarity of how I feel through his penmanship.

Going back to this the typical "Hi, Tyla.  How are you?"  Hi, John. I'm fine, thanks."  "Just fine? It's a great day!"  An expression of disapproval of my mood and suggest I wear a mask....that would be a fake smile, I guess.  No one really gives a dam about how someone else is feeling.

Society has a zero tolerance for negativity.  Stop people!  The greater good is you getting over YOUR discomfort when you feel awkward around someones unhappiness.  You know who YOU are.  Spare us your offensive intrusion of comments "It can't be that bad.  Put on a happy face.  Life's short."  There is no nutritional value in these statements! If you don't like it, practice silence and/or avoidance.  Simple. 

Flip side.  An individual who truly cares how you FEEL will ask just that, "How are you FEELING?"  You will ask yourself do I trust this person to tell them the truth?  Do they wholeheartedly care about you?  Do their actions speak volumes of their sincerity consistently to you?  Can you be vulnerable with this person?  Well, the answer for me to all these questions is I've never had to ask myself these questions because I have no one asking me about my feelings.

Tyla

Abandonment - I Them, Them me

Noun	1.	This is me, in one word, A-B-A-N-D-O-N-M-E-N-T. abandonment - the act of giving something up       desertion, forsaking rejection - the act of rejecting something
	2.	withdrawing support or help despite allegiance or responsibility defection, desertion withdrawal - the act of withdrawing
	3.	the voluntary surrender without attempting to reclaim it or give it away disposition, disposal - the act or means of getting rid of something throwing away, discard - getting rid something that is regarded as useless or undesirable discard - (cards) the act of throwing out a useless card or of failing to follow suit  The holes in my heart and mind. I have never felt anything else.  Do I take responsibility for some of the people who have left my life, yes.  I can say though that the reason those certain individuals are no longer in my life was not because I abandoned them. I was born in 1970, and I don't remember much of the first decade of my life.  I don't remember whether we sat around the dinner table all together to eat each night, or being bathed, or tucked in, or reminded to brush my teeth.  I don't remember Christmases, or having friends over to play, or being sick and my mother taking care of me.  I remember what life wasn't.  There are six kids in my family; I the youngest and I don't remember being close to any of my siblings.  I know my second oldest sister seemed to always be holding me in photos and she was fond of me when I was 8 to 10 years old, but when she left home for university I was still little and I felt desertion.  I had no friends growing up, as I was bullied everyday in elementary school. I was always scared and alone. I felt again, abandoned, and this time by God, since I never did anything to deserve to have no friends.  I'm not a person of faith, so I don't do well with the 'spirtual journey' aspect of healing.  It's not me. My mother abandon me emotionally I think the moment she birthed me.  I was the last child, surely I wasn't planned, we were not a well-off family.  I don't remember my mother ever reading to me, or walking me to school, or ever standing up for me.  My mother was a narcissist.  My father abandon me physically when my parents divorced when I was 12.  Though in the seventies, well I can't say what most father's were like, I can only speak about my own, but I use the line "back then" in terms that dad's were providers financially, you did what they told you to do or you'd get a spanking.  He wasn't hands-on, like a lot of fathers are today.  He wasn't mean to me, I remember we had food, shelter, running water most of the time, electricity.  He was a good person and I felt his role was what it was supposed to be in those days. My siblings left home one by one, sooner than most, 17, 19, 15, 18, 16, and me, at 14.  As each one left, not that I remember, I felt left behind with mother.  The withdrawal from me by all of them started very early on, leaving me feeling, again, abandoned. Every time I needed my mother she did nothing.  The bullies at school, she did nothing.  She didn't call the principal, she didn't go to the school, she didn't call the parents of these kids.  When she caught my brother molesting me, she told me to take a shower.  I have no idea if she talked to him because he tried to touch me again that same afternoon.  When her father was molesting me every time we went to my grandparents house, she did nothing. When it was just me and her living together, while I was out being promiscuous, she was busy enjoying sex with all kinds of men, them dinning her, charming her as she used them for money, gifts and sex.  She didn't give a dam about me, how I was skipping school, doing drugs, drinking alcohol and being sexual.  She wasn't worried sick about her baby.  She never went out driving around looking for me and finding me and removing me kicking and screaming ever.  She provided no structure, no boundaries, no consequences.  She was rid of me at 14 when I ran away.  Abandonment does not have to be the physical removal of a person from ones life because clearly my mother's actions were all of a 'discard' nature, like discarding a Kleenex. I ran away because she made me move away with her to another city, with a new school for my senior year.  It wasn't even 24 hours that I was missing, I had stole money from her to get a bus ticket right back to my home town. I spent the night in the lobby of an apartment building trying to keep warm, since none of my so-called friends were able to convince their moms to let me stay with them, and when I was finally kicked out, I ran the streets to my sister's house a snuck inside.  My mother never cried for me or begged that I come back home.  She was glad to have me not cramping her wanna be free, single lifestyle. I never made any lasting friendships in high school either.  Friends came and went, I was never a part of any group.  I was used for sex.  Guys would give me attention and we'd hangout, most times I didn't even have sex with them.  I never had many girlfriends.  When I did, they never lasted.  They always ended up not liking me, or just abandoning me.  Put it this way, there is no one from high school that I want to find on Facebook.  College was not much different. I lived with my oldest sister when I left my mother at 14.  It worked for awhile and then we began to fight and I was breaking the rules, and it dissolved.  Then I lived with my third oldest sister in another town, same thing, worked for a bit then started to fight when a guy came in the picture.  I ended up moving in with him at 18. Domestic violence entered my life at this time from 18 to 21 when I lived with him.  He was 20 and had a really good job.  He used his money as power and he was possessive and abusive to me.  His mother was in the same thing with his dad, so she knew and she was his robot.  So I guess he learned that from his dad.  I finally got out of that when the bottle of pills were in my hand. I then lived with another sister for awhile until I met my husband at 22.  I moved out from her place on a fight as well, though.  One Christmas, I think it was 1996, my husband, his two children and I were at a my side of the families gathering at my sister's house and my mother started freaking out that she was hungry.  I tried to calm her down and said make a snack.  She prepared celery with cheese whiz for herself.  Only herself.  My step-kids and there were other grand kids in the house and she didn't even offer them any.  She just stuck her nose up.  She was still so selfish.  She was still freaking out that the turkey was supposed to be ready.   She was saying don't say were going to eat at six if were not!  A few minutes later she's downstairs where the tables are set up for all of us to eat and she is still screaming and ranting that her blood sugar level is this and that!  She's not diabetic.  She starts to swear the F word.  This is all happening in front of the kids.  We stay for dinner and when we leave and get into the car my husband says to me we will never be part of this again.  And we weren't.  It just wasn't healthy.  My step-kids should not have been subjected to this woman. I didn't have a holiday with them again until Easter 2000, when my son was born. When my son was eight months old, we went to my father's home for Easter.  Another sister and her husband had moved in with my father.  My mother always managed to be invited to these meals even when my parents were divorced for years and she was remarried, she would bring her husband with her.  My mother asked this question "How much does he weigh now"?  I said 20 lbs.  In a high pitched response, she says "Oh my God, I wouldn't be able to lift him!"  You have to know mother, oh how frail and fragile she tries so hard to portray herself.  I just rolled my eyes.  She could have sat down on the couch and held him on her lap!?  Not that she'd paid any attention to her grandson since that first few days when he was born.  She stopped by for 10 minutes to goo over him and hold a baby.  During this same visit I noticed a plastic, leftover type container under the coffee table filled with weed.  My sister's.  I didn't want to be a part of this.  I was a mother now, and I work with law enforcement.  This was our very last holiday with my side of the family. Not long after this, my sister stopped by with her husband to visit.  I brought the pot thing up to her and asked her to give it up, to quit.  She said she had quit smoking, but oh no, with a smile on her face, no, no she couldn't give up that.  I tried to explain to her that it was me and my son or the weed.  That I wasn't going to put him at risk, or my job.  She'd been busted before.  You never know, she could be raided and were there at the house, my son get taken to the Children's Aid Society, even for 12 hours until I could explain...it happens.  I don't want to associate with known people doing illegal activity.  So from that day on I couldn't go to my father's house because she lived there with her choices.  My dad never did anything or said anything.  Again, I felt angry that she discarded my feelings, and was more committed to her habit than to me and her nephew--and abandoned, again, by her and my father.  The rest of my siblings including my sexual abuser and my mother, I am now 100% estranged from because I don't participate.  None of them have ever asked what happened, or why I am the way I am. Then when my father died in 2011, I had to see them all at the hospital for those seven days (see that post) and not one of them asked, or even attempted to resolve any issues, or bring anything up.  I looked at it as an opportunity for someone, perhaps mother to ask one give a dam question or say something heartfelt to me, her daughter, but no, nothing.  She sat there reading her book, doing crosswords, eating her snacks saying nothing to me.  It was so awkward.  I ended up making small talk, minimal, as my anger was just boiling inside of me, and all she could say could do was brag about her trip to Florida as she showed me pics of my oldest sister's house, her granddaughter etc on the viewer of her camera.  As if I cared.  Hello, you haven't spoken to me in near 10 years and you're wasting my time not talking about anything important, I wanted to scream at her. Having to be in the same room with my brother was making me ill; fake hugging him, as our dad lay brain dead from a stroke.  I haven't heard from any of them since June 2011, when my dad died.  Abandoned again, no one gives a fuck, that hey, I'm your sister, I'm your daughter and when I die DO NOT COME, to like as if, pay your respects! Fuck Off! I know I won't be a hypocrite and attend any other deaths in any way.  If you can't be here in the present with the living, why would you when they're dead.  There's no obligation because were related, to me that's unfortunate that I was cursed with that family tree. Does it hurt me, yes.  When I see other people sharing happy times with their extended families, when people talk about their loving parents, I am envious, I fantasize briefly of such ideals.  Do I wish, often.  My first counsellor made a comment to me once, "maybe it's you abandoning them".  Is it me?  I'm a very emotional person, no one would no that though because I am mostly this person in hiding.  My emotional filters and often my maturity, I've been told by my current therapist, are lacking.  I've never been the type of person that thinks of a good or fair excuse for some one's lack of commitment, loyalty or honesty towards me.  I've been told I'm paranoid.  I always think the worst of people.  I do because my childhood was destroyed and I can rely on no one--there's not one single person that I trust on this planet 100%.  Not even my husband.  I did trust him, but haven't for the last few years. People's actions or lack of action speak volumes to me.  Human beings have instincts like no other.  Our guts are usually right.  When what you expect of a person doesn't happen, I think you should be able to question that.  Why? Since I've been off work this go around, since May 2012, with my back pain, none of my peer co-workers have called, emailed or stopped by to visit.  When I email them, I get no response.  You know when you are being ignored and judged.  Again, I feel abandoned by my workplace.  I've spent a decade working with these people; you know even if it's not genuine you'd think someone would fake care out of etiquette purposes.  What have I done to deserve this treatment? My own son is pulling away from me.  I know it is hard for him; a mother in pain.  I've changed so much.  A mother who no longer is working, a dropout from society.  He says I'm no fun.  I'm not.  I've abandon him.  I'm no better than she. The single person that I thought would be with me 'til the end, the person...it was all just a fantasy.  Trust?  Did we ever have it?  Respect? I doubt.  It's always been a struggle emotionally with my husband.  I've hurt many times with his insensitive remarks.  I can't do it anymore.  Everyone abandons me...eventually, it's just a matter of time. Tyla